Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
