Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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