I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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