how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
