cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
