Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
