She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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