he thought i was a dude.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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