Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
