woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
