mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
