I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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