im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
