i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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