I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
