well I can't set my house on fire every night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
