Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
he thought i was a dude.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
