The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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