Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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