its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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