I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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