Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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