oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
