Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
