dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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