Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
