i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
