You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
