32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
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