I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
