This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
