onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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