I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
