totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
