i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
