recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
