If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
