This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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