we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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