yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
