Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
