I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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