i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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