you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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