All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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