I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
