see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
