I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
