like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
