While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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