you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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